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“One in Four” The Exclusive Club No-One Wants to be Part Of
“One in Four” The Exclusive Club No-One Wants to be Part Of
You might be surprised to learn that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage.
You probably know more than a few people who have experienced one.
These people are your close friends, your relatives, your sister, your aunt, your best friend. The lady in the shops who looks so sad, but can’t tell anyone because that’s just not what you do in times like these.
You probably don’t know about the pain these women and men are experiencing, or the fact they are even experiencing it, because many of these people feel as though they cannot share their pain, or their stories of loss.
Some people want to, but don’t know how.
Other people have shared, and found it made others feel so awkward or uncomfortable, that they decided never to speak of it again.
Some of us feel so guilty about the fact that we experienced this loss, that we blame ourselves, and fear others will blame us too if we ever get up the nerve to mention it.
Then there are others, who keep talking about it anyway, because they hope to reduce the stigma associated with pregnancy loss.
Those of us who KNOW we’re not alone, that we didn’t cause this tragic event to occur, that we can make a difference by being open and honest about our experiences, and help each other cope through these difficult times.
Although we know that people simply just can’t understand unless they have experienced a loss this significant. A silent loss that’s difficult to explain because you can’t physically see it or hold onto it.
A loss that is only in your imagination, mourning for a tiny little person you never met, who never existed in this world, that you get to spend every single day of the rest of your life wondering if they would have had his eyes, your smile and a mixture of both your personalities.
A person who you had hopes and dreams for, that you planned your life around.
Who then made you change all those plans, because they never quite made it into those dreams you created for them.
Unfortunately, people see an early pregnancy loss as less significant in some ways, because it’s just an embryo, it may even be a fetus, or it may not have even made it to that stage.
But for the people living the loss, it isn’t any of those things.
When you find out you’re pregnant, you tell your partner, and maybe some other close friends and relatives, if you so choose, that you’re having a “baby” and from then on, that is what you imagine in your mind, and that is what you make plans for.
So when you lose a pregnancy, no matter at what stage, you’re losing a baby, and all the plans and dreams that you had attached to that baby.
And that’s what I think people don’t understand.
It’s not just a physical pain, it’s an intense, emotional level of silenced grief that you cannot explain, physically demonstrate or completely understand unless you have lived it yourself.
You’ve suddenly joined a silenced club of “1 in 4”. An exclusive club that so many others are part of, wondering around in every day of their lives, oblivious to the millions of other people who are also walking around in this silenced club.
But, this club doesn’t have to be silent.
I am hopeful that we can raise awareness, and break down the barriers of silence associated with miscarriage, pregnancy loss, still birth and infertility.
Over here in Australia, there is an “unofficial” day of recognition in October for people who have experienced pregnancy loss.
In honour of this day of recognition, as an attempt to raise awareness, we will invite people to share their stories of miscarriage, pregnancy loss, still birth and infertility.
All stories are welcome, and all submissions will be published on our website (anonymously if people wish to do so). We would love to hear some stories with good outcomes to help give a little hope too!
Together we can raise awareness, reduce the stigma, help others recognise just how common these experiences of loss are, and I hope, show that is it OK to talk about loss and support one another through these difficult times.
If you’re interested in sharing your story, email me at info@ohbeehave.com.au or fill out the get in touch form on our website if you prefer to share your story anonymously.
We might not be able to revoke our memberships from this exclusive club none of us wants to be part of, but it doesn’t mean our club has to be bound by silence.
Photo Credit: Ammon Creative
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15 Replies to “One in Four – The Exclusive Club No-One Wants to be Part Of”
I think there should definitely be more dialogue about it. I haven’t experienced it personally but I know so many who have and I would love to know more of how to support them.
I am a two timer in this club. The first time, I was young, blamed myself till I was blue in the face. It was a big secret for so long. After the second, we realized there was something else going on. Now days its so much easier for me to talk about it though I see how uncomfortable it can make people. I wish it wasn’t so.
So sorry to learn of your losses Kim. I think self-blame is so common for those of us who experience miscarriage, and I wish there was more awareness around so that people would understand that miscarriages just aren’t caused by anything the pregnant lady does or doesn’t do.
Sometimes I wonder if there is so much info out there about what you “should” or “shouldn’t” do during pregnancy, that there’s almost an assumption that if you’ve had a miscarriage you must have done something wrong. It’s ridiculous!
I really hope there will come a time where people can talk more openly about pregnancy loss, without getting that “uncomfortable” feeling from others.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Dominique, and for helping to raise awareness/reduce the stigma of miscarriage. It’s a terrible thing for any woman (or man) to experience but to go through this alone makes it so much worse <3 sending all my love and thanks for this.
So sorry to hear about it and thank you for sharing this personal post. It must be very heart breaking and gives me courage to support those who are in need.
Thank you for sharing this post and opening peoples eyes to how prevalent miscarriages are. I have never been pregnant so I cannot comment but I recently heard an emotional story about women pregnant with twins and miscarry one baby but not both. It was heartbreaking to hear how people had told them they shouldnt be upset because they still had one baby. They were often told they were lucky… I hardly think that is the correct response as these women are part of your 1 in 4
This is a very sensitive topic because like you said, most people think losing a child before coming to terms is insignificant. I had a friend who lost one of her twins at birth (after numerous surgeries to keep him alive) and though she pretends to be ok but I didn’t think she has gotten it till date and that happened almost 10 years ago. I want twins so bad but I avoid talking about it around her. Thanks for raising awareness regarding this topic.
I had no idea that as high as 1 in 4 women experience miscarriage that really is crazy! My friend had one before she had her miracle baby and it broke her heart :/ x
I was one time in this group !! and hardest time of my life !! i never want to be part of it again !! As wen you plan something and suddenly its gone and you are helpless in that case !!
Well done for raising awareness and helping others feel less alone. The stats are high, alot of people go through it, but that doesn’t make it less heartbreaking or difficult to go through so really good to talk about it xx
This is such an important subject to raise awareness of. There is a lot of silence and stigma around miscarriages, people should be able to speak about it and not blame themselves or worry other people might blame something they’ve done to cause it.
Thank you for that post! I think it’s important to talk about things like that – any problem needs to be talked about, no matter how inconvenient it is. This creates clarity and lets people move on by sharing the burden with someone else.
I’m 68 years of age, what I find that excites me today is the candor of young women in their conversations about infertility and associated problems. When I was in my late twenties I had two ectopic pregnancies and therefore lost all possibility of having any more children. Apart from my sister and my psychiatrist there was no one with whom I could openly talk about this experience. So it heartens me to see how many young women are willingly to share and support each other. Even when I went through IVF it was cloaked in secrecy. So I applaud you all and yes keep talking about these issues and keeping making all our sisters out there aware that they do not have to anguish in silence and aloneness. I know I would have personally benefited greatly with this type of openness and interactions.
Hi Annmarie,
I’m so sorry that you had to go through these experiences, particularly during a time when talking about miscarriage and fertility just wasn’t a socially acceptable thing to do.
I still think we have a long way to go in terms of reducing the stigma attached to these topics, but I hope that by starting the conversation, sharing our experiences and letting others know they are not alone (and don’t have to keep it to themselves if they don’t want to) is a step forward.
I have personally found that talking to others has made a huge difference in my acceptance (to some extent) of our scenario and helped me consider different coping mechanisms. xx
I am so sorry. You are 100% right though, this shouldn’t be something silent. I think making it more known and talking about it more will help others be able to share their stories and feel like they have safe spaces to talk about the unimaginable sadness.