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Why Do I Have to do Everything Around Here?
Why Do I Have to do Everything Around Here?
Sam and I take a fairly “traditional” approach when it comes to who does what around the house.
We’re not sure why this is or how it comes about. It could be that it’s the way our parents did things, so we just automatically fill those traditional roles as part of our natural course.
For example, I do (most of) the cooking, cleaning and washing. Sam mows the lawns, fixes things around the house, maintains the pool, chops the wood and builds anything that needs to be put together (no, we don’t try to assemble flat-packs together, everyone knows how that ends!)
Sometimes, Sam cooks and I maintain the pool.
Sam also has a tendency to leave stuff around the house, and I have a tendency to just pick it up, put it away (or as he says, “hide it from him”) and move on.
I know some people would have a problem with that. I also know that every female I’ve ever met has a man in their life who they pick up after.
Some of us whinge about it, and others just accept it for what it is.
I can’t remember who said it to me, but it’s one of the best pieces of advice I’ve heard, and I often share it with my girlfriends
"The sooner you accept that you have to pick up their stuff, the easier your life will be."
You can disagree with me and say it’s sexist and all of that stuff, and that’s fine (I wouldn’t disagree with you!) but once I heard that statement I asked myself “would you rather squabble about something that isn’t going to change or just accept it and move on?”
In saying all of this, Sam and I don’t actually think that the male and female should automatically assume traditional roles within the household. Ultimately, we think it doesn’t really matter who does what around the house so long as there is an equal distribution of tasks (e.g. if one person works more than the other, the other person picks up more of the slack around the house) and we really think that’s the way it should be.
In an ideal world, we believe it should all be evenly shared (and that’s what we’d really like to try to teach our kids one day when they come along…)
But the thing is, we don’t live in an ideal world, and all the stuff isn’t evenly shared (how apparent was that when you had to answer the census question about how many hours you each spent doing non-paid work around the house!?).
Although, since no-ones keeping score (except the ABS, apparently!) it doesn’t really matter – and we’re ok with that.
How about you?
Do you share the workload evenly in your house?
Do you automatically fall into the “traditional” male and female roles around the house?
Does picking up your partner’s stuff drive you nuts?
What happens if things aren’t done in your house?
Let us know in the comments below 🙂
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20 Replies to “Why Do I Have to Do Everything Around Here?”
I’m not married or any significant other for that matter, but I do live with my friend. We’re both women, so it’s different and we both partake in the cleaning. When I lived with my brothers, I did most of the cleaning though and it was terrible! I totally feel your pain in that regard.
This is something we struggle with, too. I am a full-blooded feminist so it drives me INSANE when I find myself “doing all the work” or cleaning up after my husband. That said, I am a perfectionist and I enjoy things like laundry or loading the dishwasher the correct way. K mows the lawn and washes the car and grills dinner. And when I ask, he’ll put a load of laundry from the washer to the dryer or run the vacuum. I just have to ask- mainly because he knows that’s my domain and I’m usually pretty testy over it. I think communication is the key. I now know that K will do it, but I have to ask him to. And I can live with that.
I think about this one a lot, because, like you, there are certain “roles” I’ve just learned to accept over the years. That said, they are interchangeably, but I don’t think of it as being sexist… I do most of the cooking because I happen to enjoy it, but sometimes my bf steps in and monitors and he usually does the dishes, but I tend to do his laundry. I can’t obsess about it anymore, because if he has something lying about and it’s annoying me, I’m going to pick it up so I don’t have to stare at it anymore 🙂
Thanks for sharing!!
I totally agree with you. It just seems to be how it works out in our house as well. My husband works really long hours and isn’t home much. When he is, he takes care of the lawn stuff, fixing things, car stuff. I work from home, so it just makes sense that I’m the one who does most of the household chores/cleaning. It doesn’t bother me that much. He always helps when I get overwhelmed with stuff. 🙂
My husband does A LOT around the house. I still have to pick up after him but I really can’t complain.
I hear ya! I am the one constantly picking up after my family and it drives me insane! I don’t know why it’s so hard for them to clean up their stuff – it’s crazy! Glad to know I am not alone!
Things are not spread equally in my home. At all. I work fulltime while my kids stay home with their dad. You’d think he’d do more around the house but nope. Most of it is me. Including taking care fo the kids all night. I’m not at all happy about this. Or him in general!!! Very touchy subject. Thanks for letting me vent, sorry it was in my first comment on your blog!! lol.
My husband and I have disagreements about this all the time! Because he works full time and I only part time he seems to think most of the chores should fall to me but I don’t see how one full time job is equal to one part time job, caring for our son full time and running a 4 bed home! Most of the time it doesn’t really bother me but every now and then I feel like shaking him ha ha
Great post. I do most of the stuff around our place and it doesn’t usually bother me unless it starts to pile up and I’m feeling like I’m getting no where and overwhelmed. But you’re absolutely right, once I accept it and do whatever it is that I have to do, it’s all good. Just get it done and move on, ya know? But it does bother me. Every few months I tell/yell at my hubby that it must be nice to come home from work every day and just sit on your butt until bed. *rolls eyes* lol
My husband and I have never done the traditional thing. He cooks and does the food shopping. I clean because I am fussier about the standard. When it comes to fixing stuff we both fix things and washing just depends on who is home at the time.
My husband is not very domesticated and we do fall into the traditional roles where I end up doing all the cooking, cleaning, gardening, maintenance and looking after most of our finances in which I don’t mind however simple things like putting his washing in the laundry basket in stead of letting them pile up on his bedside or giving me suggestions on what to cook and not complaining when I do end up making the descion. I get asked constantly where everything is because he can’t be bothered looking. I did however read the following the other day and it made me smile. I know he’s not doing it all out of spite, more that he relies on me.
Husband: “I looked everywhere I can’t find it.”
Translation: “I didn’t look at all. I am lost without you, my darling wife.”
Nicole – I just had a little giggle at your comment as Sam and I just had a discussion last night where he couldn’t find something even though I had told him where it was. We searched the house high and low until the item was found… in the first place I suggested 😉 LOL
Yes! To this post!! I always do everything at home l — not because my husband isn’t capable of doing it, it’s because everyone prefers “Mommy’s way”. Mmk. We usually divvy up the chores, but I’m anal about clean bathrooms and clean kitchens while my husband is weird about our bedroom and the family room. The work load is totally not equal but my husband tries and helps out where he can
Some days I feel like I do everything, but then I see all the things my husband actually does. I love cooking and organizing, so I wouldn’t want to give it up.
Household chores are pretty evenly distributed with us. And, we both slack at it from time to time. I will give my husband credit, he does most of the cooking. He’s good at it.
Thanks for all your comments ladies!! It’s interesting to see all the different dynamics out there 😀
This is something that definitely resonates with me as I feel like I get a lot of pushback from my feminist friends that I don’t need to play homemaker just because my husband is in medical school. The thing is, when he was applying last year, and I had a teaching job I was working an average of 11 hours at daily, he took on a lot of the home responsibilities.
I think we just pick up where the other just can’t.
Me and my husband do aswell, In fact I don’t think I’ve ever taken out the bin and only recently even learned what our bin day has been for the last 7 years. Sometimes he cooks but I prefer my cooking and he will usually do the dishes after I cook dinner (or they get left ?) the thing that mattered to me the most is when it came to having our baby and that he would change nappies, give baths, bottles etc. Which he absolutely does. I think that’s the only gender stereotype that matters and men in that case should be doing some of what would have been considered the women’s job of looking after the child. When it comes to everything else around the house I know I’d much rather be tidying up or prepping dinner than outside in the sun mowing the lawn ?
It’s an empirical fact that women do more work around the house than men. But what’s interesting is studies that ask women and men what their perceptions are of the amount of work they do. Men over-estimate their contributions by a huge degree. Much of the hard work women do isn’t acknowledged or appreciated. That’s sad.
I do agree that I don’t think it matters WHO does what as long as chores are equally distributed. It’s not fair for one to do more, like it is for a lot of women. When it comes to picking up after someone – I like that quote! It’s kind of true. If it won’t change, just do it and don’t let it stress/bother you too much.
-Lauren