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Why We Won’t “Take a Break”
Why We Won’t “Take a Break”
I’ve heard this (no doubt well-meaning) advice from people many times.
People said it to me after the first miscarriage, the second miscarriage and more than ever after the third miscarriage. I was overwhelmed by some people almost insisting that we “take a break” before trying to get pregnant again.
I find it a little crazy that people feel that they are somehow qualified to dish out medical advice on a topic they don’t really know anything about.
The funny thing is, after my second miscarriage, I said to our OB that I was considering taking a break as we had enrolled in a sailing course and I was a little worried about the strain on my ab’s (in the event that I could be pregnant) from handling the ropes over the week.
He pretty much just said to me “You can if you want, but there’s really no need to. No amount of pressure on your ab’s is going to contribute to a miscarriage. It’s pretty much impossible to MAKE yourself have a miscarriage, so don’t worry about it”.
Hearing that (may I point out once more from an actual medical professional) really did help me make up my mind about doing away with the “taking a break” issue.
There are other reasons why we choose not to take a break though:
1. We don’t know how many pregnancies it will take before we have a successful pregnancy (there are some cases of people with balanced translocations who have had 12 or more miscarriages before having a successful pregnancy)
2. There isn’t a huge physical strain associated with recurrent miscarriage for me (Yes, there is emotional strain and there is always a recovery period but I do find that I feel “back to normal” relatively quickly from a physical point of view and I usually only have 2 days of “recovery” after each miscarriage)
3. I’m not getting any younger. I’m already 31, and as I said I don’t know how many miscarriages we will have before the odds swing in our favour. Imagine if we have to go through 12 or more miscarriages? Assuming 3 to 4 pregnancies are possible each year, that’s at least 3 to 4 years before a successful pregnancy. I could be over 35 or older before we even manage to have 1 child! What if we then decided to have another one? Still think it’s a good idea to “take a break”?
4. Chromosomes don’t care how many breaks you take. It’s not as if they que up in lines with the dodgy ones segregated to one side of the room and the good ones on the other and make a pact where the good chromosomes can be thrown ONLY after you “take a break”.
5. My OB say’s it’s OK. Sometimes I honestly wonder if people think I make random decisions without consulting a professional. I seriously don’t know how much more I can stress that taking a break Makes. No. Difference.
I shouldn’t have to justify our decision to anyone, but it frustrates me when I get the impression that people seem to think that as the female in this situation I somehow have control over doing “something different” in order to avoid a miscarriage in the future.
There is nothing I’m doing to cause it and there’s nothing I can do to prevent it and “taking a break” certainly isn’t going to achieve a different outcome.
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11 Replies to “Why We Won’t Take a Break”
I think people say this for 2 reasons: 1. They might be genuinely concerned about you and the mental strain miscarriages take on your body. It’s such a personal thing and the reaction to a miscarriage can be so varied, some people really experience it/ think of it as a traumatic event.
2. (And I think more likely option): people just don’t know what to say…. really… I mean, I’m not sure I would… You know, like when something bad happens and you don’t know what to say so you say, “there must be a reason for that, etc.”. Which is stupid, but you want to say something kind without pulling the “blanket” your way and starting a story “ohh, when this happened to ME…”.
It’s still hard though and I think it’s good how you explain your feelings in the post 🙂
Thanks Victoria, I agree that people often don’t know what to say or are genuinely worried, and that’s fine but the frustrating part is where I explain that “taking a break” makes no difference but they continue to insist that is the best thing to do… as if I must be “doing something wrong” and they know “the solution” to make it all better, even though there is no medical evidence to back it up.
It would be nice if people would stop telling you this – they should just be there for you, and if they think taking a break is good for a specific reason, maybe just talk about that. Get your perspective and hear what you’ve learned. It’s a topic not everyone knows about! But yes, it’s your life – you shouldn’t “take a break” if you don’t want to or need to (health/mental health wise).
It really bothers me when people give this kind of advice. I would never presume to know more than a doctor about what is safe. I’m glad that you shared this, because sometimes I feel like people don’t realize how their “advice” comes across, they think they are trying to help, but… it’s not helpful.
I think this is one of those things where people are well meaning but should really keep their opinions to themselves. Good for you for going with what you want.
I hate when people give out advice or make comments that they shouldn’t. I would like to think they mean well and trying to make conversation, but I just think they are so nosy. On some topics, people should just not say anything to that person.
Oh my gosh I feel your pain with people just not getting what you say about your own body. I have MS and people have a hard time understanding how I can feel so sick – “You look fine.” “You don’t look sick.” It’s like, I’m glad you confirmed that…wow, do I feel better now! Good for you listening to your own body and your OB. I wish you the absolute best!
Ultimately, this decision is up to you and your SO. You can’t let anyone else influence that. You’re doing great.
Good for you for listening to your body and your wants and needs. I agree with Victoria above. I’ve noticed that in times of hardships, people just feel awkward and say what’s commonly considered “appropriate” by society’s standards, and perhaps a general concern for wellbeing. But at the end of the day, your body/your decision. You do whatever feels right for you 🙂
I agree. You should do what is best for you and your family. Your doctor says its ok and you are ready, then do it girl. I hate that people give you backlash. Let us live our lives! 🙂
If your OB says it’s ok then you do what works for you! People are too darn nosy in my opinion. I’m sure they are trying to express empathy but it might be coming out wrong. I’ll be praying for the next pregnancy to stick for you!