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The Fourth Cut is the Deepest

The Fourth Cut is the Deepest

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The Fourth Cut is the Deepest

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The Fourth Cut is the Deepest

I mentioned in an earlier post that we had really struggled to come to terms with our fourth miscarriage.

I don’t know why.

Every loss is hard.

Obviously, none of them are easy to take.

But I think I had somehow managed to convince myself that time that everything would be fine, and it wasn’t going to happen again (it’s not as if I get to escape the shitty pregnancy symptoms and I usually see our babies’ heartbeats on the screen before they pass, so they are very real to me. It’s not like I can just pretend that they were never there. Every time you see a heartbeat it gives you just a sliver of hope that everything might be OK).

But I was wrong, and we experienced the devastating loss of a fourth miscarriage.

After the fourth loss, I started to notice different emotional responses and reactions within myself that I hadn’t noticed before.

I mean, I had heard other women say that they couldn’t stand to be around pregnant ladies or attend baby showers after 1 miscarriage. I had experienced 3, and still didn’t distance myself from those sorts of things and couldn’t really understand why ladies who experienced miscarriage couldn’t just be happy for those who have successful pregnancies.

But this time was different.

Maybe we all just have different tolerance levels to each other? Maybe we don’t all experience every stage of grief during each grieving process? (btw the theories of grief out there tend to change over time, but my understanding is that you can experience different stages including shock & denial, pain & guilt, anger & bargaining, depression, reflection, loneliness, and then some sort of semblance of feeling ‘better’ while developing your construction of your ‘new normal’ eventually leading to acceptance… although you can chop and change through these stages and you don’t necessarily move through them in a set order).

Anyway, this time around, I found it a lot harder than I had in the past to be around pregnant ladies and newborns (that’s not to say it wasn’t hard before, I just seemed to have found a lot more strength to face difficult situations in the past).

I think I had this theory that each time you experience grief, it gets a little easier to manage. Kind of like, you practice going through the emotions and eventually you’re like “I got this” and you know what to expect.

Which is why I think my experience this time really threw me.

I didn’t even know I was having trouble until it hit me out of nowhere.

I had been OK to talk about my miscarriages, so I thought I was doing alright.

I hadn’t even noticed that I had started changing up my habits – I got pretty good at avoiding people who were pregnant or had newborns. I even learned what times of day to avoid the shops, so I wouldn’t run into pregnant ladies or Mums.

I pretty much avoided them like the plague.

If I was in a situation where pregnant ladies or Mum’s or Dad’s with newborns were present, I would avoid eye contact and limit my conversations, making some sort of excuse to get away from the situation as soon as I could.

I was getting really good at it.

Until I was suddenly thrown into a situation where I just couldn’t handle it anymore, and there was no way I could get out of it.

I was at a function. A formal sit-down type scenario with assigned seats where I didn’t really know anyone.

It was just my luck that my assigned seat was smack bang opposite a lady who was in the later stages of pregnancy.

Of course, I had to make small talk, so in this scenario, there was no way in hell I was going to be able to:

a) Avoid looking at a pregnant lady all night
b) Avoid talking about pregnancy or newborns
c) Make an excuse to leave

I tried my best to talk about topics that had nothing to do with pregnancy or kids. When the topics were raised (as they naturally would be in this scenario) I was polite enough and then changed the subject as quickly as I could.

I took every opportunity I could to make excuses to leave my seat… with the obvious option being to go to the bar.

Big mistake.

Seriously.

How do people deal with situations they aren’t comfortable with, but can’t possibly get out of??

Apparently, my go-to is to drink copious amounts of champagne in the hopes it will dull the pain.

And it did.

For a few hours at least.

Until I was super, super, super drunk… and couldn’t help but think how fucking unlucky I was to be the one person to sit across from the pregnant lady all night, which of course led me into a crazy spiral of thinking “why me?” and “this isn’t fair” and “why do all those people out there who don’t even want kids get to have them and I’m just over here dealing with this shit” (I’m not talking about that lady as she was lovely and I’m sure desperately wants and cares for her children, this is the ramblings of a drunk grieving person we’re talking about) until I found myself crying like a crazy drunk person in the ladies room at the end of the night.

I think I actually held it together pretty well, considering. The function was well and truly over by the time my craziness presented itself, I didn’t share any of my thoughts with said pregnant lady (or anyone else thank goodness!) so I consider myself lucky that no-one really had to witness my crazy breakdown (apart from my husband, and well… he already knows I’m crazy, so that’s cool).

But it still bothered me that I would react in such a way that I never have before.

I think I know what the problem was.

It took me a while to figure it out. At first, I thought it was being around pregnant ladies and newborns.

But then I realised that I can be around them if I need to be (seriously, I have friends and relatives who are pregnant and have newborns, and I manage being around them just fine).

The problem was the total lack of control I had over the situation.

In the past when I’ve been going somewhere that I know there will be pregnant ladies or newborns, I set myself up for it. I tell myself about how I’m happy for them and how my shitty situation has nothing to do with their happy one and I repeat that to myself over and over again until I’m ready to face the situation.

And I can deal with that.

This time, I wasn’t prepared, it just came out of nowhere, and I couldn’t escape it, nor could I prepare myself for it.

I couldn’t help but think that although I know things probably aren’t going to change any time soon, I wish there was some way to let people know you don’t want to be in a situation such as this.

Why can’t you say “Hey, I can’t sit opposite a pregnant lady, coz you know, my last 4 babies died” or when someone asks you if you have kids (which I was asked 3 times just this last freaking week by the way) that you can’t just say “I’ve actually had 4 miscarriages” and that not be a totally inappropriate response.

I’m not sharing this story to make anyone feel bad, I’m just hoping that other ladies who have experienced this know they aren’t the only ones who go bat-shit crazy from time to time and to (hopefully) one day make a change so that it would be totally acceptable to say “hey event organisers, I’m allergic to pregnancy, so make sure that’s not on my menu 😉”

As always, feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below.

P.S. This didn’t happen recently, it was a while ago, it just took me a while to get up the courage to talk about it.

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The Same Old Story

The Same Old Story

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The Same Old Story

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The Same Old Story

I feel like we’re in some kind of weird universe where it’s Ground-Hog Day.

Except, it isn’t Ground-Hog Day, it’s more like a Ground-Hog Month (a month that actually stretches for 3-4 months) that we keep living over and over. Let’s call it Ground-Hog Quarter.

It goes like this.

Get Pregnant.

Go for a 6.5-7 week scan. All looks good.

Go for another scan somewhere around 8-10 weeks. No heartbeat.

Book in for a D&C.

Wait 2 months.

Get Pregnant again…. And it just goes on and on and on and on.

This is what recurrent miscarriage looks like. And it really sucks.

On the bright side, we now have a frequent flyer account at our OB’s office.

Just kidding. That’s not a thing. But I did joke with him after we left our last post-miscarriage check-up that we might as well just have a standing appointment with him from now on!

Sometimes you just have to be a bit silly, otherwise it all gets a bit too much (and it has been pretty hard on us this time, but I’ll leave that for another post).

Our last check up meeting (last week) was pretty much what we were expecting… another unbalanced translocation of chromosomes 1 and 21. They tell us that this is supposed to be a 50/50 type scenario but so far its 4 nil on the score board for us.

Something we weren’t expecting…  this little one was a girl. So that’s 3 girls and 1 boy… I’ve been teasing Sam about it, saying it’s pretty likely he’s going to get a girl once we hit one with the right chromosomes. He seems to think that we’re due for a boy… maybe we’ll get lucky on all fronts next time 😉

Just before you go, I thought it might be worth mentioning (and some of you may already be aware), today is International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day).

I haven’t really said anything in particular about it on our social media accounts today as we have been inviting ladies to share their stories throughout the month of October in honour of this day over at our blog One in Four.

If you haven’t had the chance yet, make sure you pop over to the One in Four blog and check it out. So far, we have stories from 6 amazing ladies who have so bravely shared their stories of pregnancy loss and infertility (some of these ladies have never spoken publicly about it before) which we hope will go a long way to breaking the silence that seems to be forced on us around talking about miscarriage, and help raise awareness as to just how many people are affected by pregnancy loss.

If you would like to join these amazing ladies by sharing your of loss or infertility story too, email me at info@ohbeehave.com.au or if you would like to share your story anonymously, contact us via our get in touch form.

Until next time 😉

PS If you’re looking at that photo and wondering if I’m pregnant again… I’m not (that I know of! HA!) That pic was taken at around 8 weeks into the last pregnancy… the old belly gets big quickly these days 🙂

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Four Miscarriages and a Cancer

Four Miscarriages and a Cancer

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Four Miscarriages and a Cancer

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Four Miscarriages and a Cancer

“Four Miscarriages and a Cancer” is the statement that pretty much sums up our past week.

My husband, Sam,  said it to me in the middle of the night when we were both lying awake… neither of us could sleep and I just cracked up laughing.

It’s amazing the silly things that can make you laugh when you’re having such a bad time.
We were shattered when we found out last Monday that we had experienced our fourth miscarriage. We weren’t exactly NOT expecting it, but we had a little hope that the odds may just fall in our favour this time around.

But that wasn’t even the worst of our week.

We decided pretty quickly to book me in for surgery on the Wednesday. I don’t usually see any signs of miscarriage myself other than a missing heartbeat on an ultrasound screen so I find a D&C is the easiest option… much more pleasant than “waiting it out” for who-knows-how-many weeks for my body to work it out by itself.

That very same day I had dropped my cat Sebastian off to the vets to have a tooth pulled out. Except, unfortunately (or maybe fortunately!) the little bugger had jumped up on to the sink that morning and licked a plate I had left there and so the vet decided just to do some blood work instead and put the surgery off for a day.

So, I found out about the miscarriage on Monday, and then on the Tuesday, took little Bas back in to the vets for (what I thought) would be his surgery. Except, when I got to the vets he told me the blood work had some concerning results and he thought Sebastian may have cancer in his liver.

I was pretty shocked to hear this, as Bas is only 11 (that’s about 60 in human years) and has never really had any health problems, PLUS other than eating funny due to his dodgy tooth there didn’t appear to be anything wrong with him!

The next day (Wednesday) I went in to the hospital for my surgery, and no sooner had I gotten home (hoping to spend the afternoon resting on the couch) when my Vet called to say Bas could be referred for a scan that afternoon.

Of course, if the little guy did in indeed have cancer, there was no way we wanted to delay any sort of treatment for him, so Sam and I trundled dutifully down to the Vet’s.

It was just our luck that there was a crazy mix up behind the scenes at the Vet’s… so we had to wait 3 hours in the Vet waiting room just to be told… Bas couldn’t have a scan and we’d have to come back the next day.

If there’s ever a time when you’ve felt like things “just can’t go right” in your life, you can understand pretty much how we were feeling that day.

To top it all off, I was lucky enough to come down with a cold that afternoon as well.

So fast forward to the next day and I decide I couldn’t possibly get out of bed (seriously, I’ve got a cold, my baby died and my cat has cancer – who would get out of bed given the circumstances!?) and Sam agrees to drop Bas off to his appointment.

A couple of hours in to the day (Thursday) and the Vet calls to confirm the worst. Bas does have cancer and needs a CT scan to see if it has spread. We have the option to book him in for surgery the same day as the scan… which can most likely be done the following Monday.

So of course, we do what any crazy cat lady would do and agree to the exorbitant fee’s associated with CT scans and surgery for cats and book him in.

We spend the next few day’s giving Bas as much attention as we can and wait to see what happens next.

I am SO relieved when the Vet calls Monday afternoon to tell me Bas is doing well (considering). The CT scan showed that the cancer hadn’t spread and they were able to remove the mass in his liver.

I was relieved for a whole 4 minutes, until the Vet called me back to say there was a problem with Sebastian’s red blood cell count and he would need to have a blood transfusion.

So, I wait, feeling pretty stressed again for another 4 hours… until I finally get a call saying he is doing well and I won’t hear anything until the next day unless there is some emergency in the night (so of course I had the worst sleep in history that night).

Anyway, a couple of days later and I FINALLY get a call saying Bas is doing better and can come home.

You might be wondering…. How does one stay sane with all this crap going on?

To be honest, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I have bad days. I can’t go anywhere nor talk to anyone (I think it’s totally fine to turn off your phone and not answer your door if you need to).

I did stay in bed all day just for one day.

Then I decided that things could be better. I forced myself to get up, have a shower, do my hair, put on a nice outfit, put on some make up and go out for dinner.

I gave myself a limit. I could sleep in, but I couldn’t stay there all day. I realised I’m still recovering and if I need sleep, well that’s fine, I can sleep, but as soon as I wake up in the morning, I make myself get up and eat breakfast (even though I don’t want to). I find things to look forward to and remind myself of the positives.

On the positives front, I reminded myself that if I hadn’t ordered blood work for Bas on the Monday and he had undergone anaesthesia there is a good chance he wouldn’t have woken up…

On the “things to look forward to” front, my sister-in-law and I had planned to go to see the movie “IT”. Our plan totally went out to the window and we had to re-arrange it.

Anyway, we ended up booking Gold Class seats at Innaloo for 3:45 on a Friday afternoon. I almost don’t want to let anyone in on our secret, but I seriously think this is the best session you could ever go to.

We got the whole theatre to ourselves (it was awesome to be able to chat to each other throughout the film and I was happy to be able to have my phone one since I was still waiting for the Vet’s to call) and of course, we were able to order champagne, wine and food to be delivered to us throughout the film!

When we got in the theatre, I sat back, champagne in hand, sighed and said, “I’m so happy” …and then stopped myself short.

Could I seriously be happy after everything that had happened that week?

Obviously, I could. Sometimes it’s the little things that can make the biggest difference.

That night, I booked Sam and I in to eat at our favourite restaurant… BWG steakhouse. I thought we just needed to have one evening where we could chill out together, eat our favourite food, drink our favourite wine and talk about… anything other than miscarriages or cats with cancer. So that’s what we did.

And we were OK.

I don’t want to say that what we’re going through is in any way harder than what anyone else is going through (even though sometimes that is how it feels). There are thousands of people who have it much worse than us, and no doubt I am sure there are others who have it better.

Everyone goes through difficult times, and at the very least, life’s problems are all relative anyway… what might be difficult for some isn’t always so difficult for others.

That’s not to say it’s easy for us. It is hard. Every day is hard.

But regardless, there is always a way to make it through, find the positives and create moments to look forward to.
 
PS Just before I go, quietly wanted to say that “IT” isn’t very scary… I actually found it kind of hilarious 😉

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Just Call Me North Korea

Just Call Me North Korea

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Just Call Me North Korea

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Just Call Me North Korea

…Can’t fire an effective missile.

I know, it’s a terrible joke.

And like me, you might be thinking it’s awful, but it’s so hard not to laugh.

“Just call me North Korea…” was the statement my husband Sam used to try and cheer me up after we found out about our fourth miscarriage yesterday (referring to his ability to produce sperm that don’t have chromosomal abnormalities).

Obviously, neither the North Korea situation nor our recurrent losses are any kind of laughing matter… but sometimes humour really does help us cope with the shittiest of times (and I’ll admit that I did have a good laugh when he said it to me).

If you’re not familiar with our story, this is the fourth miscarriage we have experienced in the last year, and we know that each time we get pregnant, our chances of a successful pregnancy are quite low due to my husbands balanced translocation.

We have both become fairly well adept at dealing with loss this past year, but the loss this time around has really shaken us.

We had our first scan at around 7 weeks, and it was fine. Our measurements were slightly behind schedule, but not enough to cause any kind of worry. For the next 3 weeks, I experienced a considerable amount of morning sickness (let’s call it “all day sickness”), which peaked at about 8.5 weeks and then slowly started to get better each day from there.

You might say that could have been some kind of sign of something being wrong, but honestly, I still had food aversions most evenings and my stomach was getting quite large, so I didn’t have any reason to believe anything was wrong until we went in for our ultrasound yesterday, at what should have been 10 weeks.

Unfortunately we were only measuring 7 weeks, 4 days, and there didn’t appear to be a heartbeat.

It’s not as if we didn’t know it might not work out, I think we both just thought that the chances of having 4 losses in a row were surely not all that likely… but alas we were wrong, and we find ourselves dealing with another loss.

A loss is always difficult to take no matter the circumstances, and while it helps to know there’s nothing we can do (not naturally anyway) to control the outcome, it still doesn’t stop us questioning “why us?” and “how is this fair?”

Most times I feel like I have handled the emotional aspect of the losses quite well. I wouldn’t say I’ve been OK, I have obviously been upset and some days I have felt better than others, but over-all I’ve accepted what has happened relatively quickly and been able to move on reasonably well considering the circumstances.

Unfortunately, there is something about this time that I’ve found harder to take than the others.

I don’t know if I had convinced myself that it was going to be OK this time. Or maybe I had spoken to too many other people who had experienced success on their fourth go, and thought maybe we would get lucky too.

I always seem to hold in the back of my mind that I need to have some kind of hope, just in case that tiny bit of faith that “everything will be ok” somehow tips the scales and results in a good outcome.

Is it even possible to “wish” a bad outcome on yourself? I’m not sure, but I wouldn’t want to dismiss the power of positive thinking either.

I also feel like I need to be grateful in some ways. The other alternatives for our situation could have been a stillbirth, a baby that didn’t live for long, or one that did survive, but had severe physical and mental disabilities. If we had made it to the 10 weeks we would have asked for a CVS, and once we found out there was a problem we would have needed to decide whether to terminate for medical reasons or wait to see what would happen… given the choice, I would prefer the outcome we have been dealt over other possibilities.

It still doesn’t make it any easier to take though. I don’t think any amount of reasoning is going to help right now.

To some extent, I am making assumptions. I don’t know for sure that this loss has been due to the balanced translocation until we get the test results back in a month or so. On one hand, I hope it is due to the translocation, at least that way I know there aren’t any new problems.

On the other hand, it would be nice if it wasn’t the translocation, just for the peace of mind that we can create an embryo that doesn’t have an unbalanced translocation (unfortunately we’re not exempt from other types of chromosomal abnormalities, much the same as the odds of 1 in 4 pregnancies ending in loss for the general population, which around 90% of the time is due to chromosomal problems) …but only time will tell I guess.

There’s no point in continuing to run the scenario’s through my head until we know exactly what happened.

On a totally different topic, and last but not least, my state of mind is not being helped by the fact that I took my cat Sebastian to the vet today (for what I thought would be a tooth extraction) only to find he couldn’t have the procedure due to concerns with his blood work… of which they are trying to determine whether he has a thyroid problem (unlikely) or potential liver disease/cancer. I’m hopeful that it’s nothing serious, but preparing myself for the worst as it obviously doesn’t look good.

Sometimes it feels like we just can’t catch a break?

It’s certainly not doing much to curb my feelings of helplessness at the moment, and even though I know we’re both very resilient and can get through this just like we have so many times before, it’s safe to say we’re both feeling quite defeated, frustrated and upset.

I’d love to end this post on a happy note, but I just don’t have one to share, and I don’t see the point in pretending there is one, so I’ll leave it there for now.

Until next time…

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Along the Road to Recovery

Along the Road to Recovery

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Along the Road to Recovery

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Along the Road to Recovery

I mentioned a few weeks back that I was kick starting my recovery from miscarriage number 3 by eating as healthy as possible and getting back into my regular workout routine (it did kind of help that we were heading up to Broome the next week and I really wanted to be “bikini-ready” for sipping those poolside cocktails).

But none the less, that healthy eating and exercise regime went right out the window as soon as I got into holiday mode!

I did try to go running a couple of times while we were away, but it was so freaking hot and humid up there that just a fast-paced walk was almost too much to handle.

So anyway, since we’ve been back, I’ve been kinda-trying to get back into my healthy habits (I am going to the gym and / or working out most days, and eating healthy at least during the week), but I can feel a bit of a cold coming on, starting with a sore throat yesterday morning (seriously, can I just catch a break!?)

Apparently just catching a break isn’t in on the cards, so I’ve decided to soldier on using a different approach.

Do you remember a little while back when I mentioned I was doing daily pregnancy meditations to keep myself calm, relaxed and reduce some of that anxiety I had around our chances of miscarriage?

I really did find they helped, but obviously, doing a pregnancy meditation is not really the kind of thing that’s going to make me feel better right now, so I’ve decided to dig out some of my general guided meditations in order to enjoy the benefits of calming, relaxing and quieting my mind to start each day.

I am hopeful that there will be added benefits for health and wellness too!

I jumped over to our youtube channel and was happy to see I had saved quite a few 10 minute guided meditations in there for future reference.

Here are a couple of my favourites:

Mindfulness Meditation

I often find it difficult to find a voice on meditations that isn’t distracting. I like the voice on this video because it’s soothing and I’m able to follow along quite easily without being distracted by the voice!
I like the specific directions around deep breathing at the start too, it sets the scene well to help get the most out of the meditation.

The other thing I like about this one is that it is exactly what I would expect from a mindfulness meditation, simple in the sense that you can observe your thoughts and let them go… and it talks you through how to do that in a simple and easy to understand format.

Calm Anxiety Meditation

I like this one, as again, I find the voice easy to listen to, and it’s just a really simple and easy to follow meditation, mainly focussing on breathing.

Perfect for calming the mind and reducing any type of anxiety!

Positive Start to The Day Meditation

I love this as it is a little bit different. The focus is more on waking up to start the day as positive as possible, to get the best possible results.

The voice in this one is actually my favourite, but I haven’t included it at the top as it isn’t really a “meditation” as such, it’s just a nice positive inspirational recording to listen to first thing in the morning and start your day well!

Lastly, I just want to include one more… I haven’t tried this one myself yet, but I stumbled across it this morning and it looks interesting (I don’t know about the voice but… I like the sound of the concept) so I’m going to give this one a try this week as well:

Positive Thinking Endorphin Meditation with Positive Affirmations

If you would like to check out some of the other guided meditations I’ve used, head over to our youtube playlist and check it out. I have tried each one in the list before, and they are all around 10 minutes each, so it doesn’t take a lot of time out of your day!

If I stumble across any other good ones, I’ll add them to the list (I often try new ones, but it’s not very often I find one I like!)

Anyway, I’ll be interested to see what kind of results I get from trying one of these meditations each day for one week.

If all goes well (and if I’m feeling up to it) I might even see if I can seek out some pre-pregnancy type meditations and start to work on a new list.

Until next time…
 


Before you go, have you or someone you know experienced miscarriage, stillbirth or infertility? Throughout the month of October, we will be sharing stories to raise awareness and reduce the stigma associated with these “taboo” topics. Check out this post for more info on how you can share your story.



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